08 November 2008

Summary of "Who's Nailin' Paylin?" from Hustler Video

Subtitled: "Adventures of a Hockey MILF."  I am not kidding in any part of what follows.

As the movie, set in Alaska begins, we see the protagonist, Governor Serra Paylin, standing proudly in a pantsuit that is more risque than most.  One foot is planted on the head of a dead polar bear.

The doorbell rings.  She answers it, discovering two Russian soldiers in Soviet-era uniforms.  They are cold, complaining that their ride broke down.  The governor peers outside to see an ancient tank cracked up and broken, having run aground on what appears to be a very leaky natural gas pipeline.

Paylin is only too happy to allow them to use her phone to call the Kremlin, in what she calls the "spirit of foreign relations."  She even offers them a drink, which they politely decline, explaining that they are "already very drunk."  In return, they offer her a pick-up line.  It's the standard "rearrange the alphabet" line, which I have to confess shows a poorly-edited script, since Russian uses Cyrillic.

A few more jokes follow, until the Russians hit on the perfect line.
"Who's there?"
"Sherwood who?"
"Sherwood like you to come over here and suck our c----."
"You betcha!"
Sex follows, to my complete lack of surprise.

Afterwards, they fade out, then back in to reveal a newspaper headline:  "PAYLIN ENDORSES RUSSIAN PENETRATION."  I am sure there is some sort of joke there.  I just can't figure it out.

From there, the movie moves straight to an oddly familiar-looking news set called "The Orally Factor," where the host decries the liberal media for being "hypocritical" and wanting to have it both ways.
"First they criticize Governor Paylin for not having enough foreign policy experience.  And then they slam her because she's trying to show those godless vodka-swilling neighbors a little down-home hospitality.  They make it sound like full lips, great t---, piercing brown eyes, and an ass that won't quit are a bad thing.  Well, excuse me, but if they're a bad thing, then cut off my d--- and express-mail it to the nearest gay parade."
Hard-hitting political commentary, indeed.

Paylin isn't taking these attacks lying down, though. In the next scene, she is sitting with an aide, "learning new words to express [her]self."
"Repeat after me: absolutely."
"You betcha!"
"No, listen carefully: ab-so-lute-ly."
"You betcha!"
Bless her soul, though, Paylin doesn't stop trying. She listens patiently to the aide tell her about a guy named "Lincoln," and has the keen insight to point out that "Alaska doesn't have slavery." Eventually, though, she tires and heads home to her husband, who she is sure is waiting for her.

Immediately after Paylin leaves, her husband emerges from behind a screen in the room. He has sex with the aide after they spend some time discussing how stupid his wife is, and after the aide promises that no matter what happens in the future administration, she'll stay "extremely flexible, even if she has to resort to backdoor politics." Bob Paylin promises to "make a large contribution to her fund." They have sex.

Back in her hotel room, Paylin is lying in bed. She's naked in bed except for a tiara and a sash reading "Ms. Alaska," fantasizing about the past. We see a long dream sequence in which she is buying a snow-mobile from her future husband (who looks like a completely different person at this time, oddly enough). The salesman is reluctant until she strips and tells him to "Drill, baby, drill!"

"Come on, you tree-hugging hippie," she says. "What are you waiting for? Congressional approval?"

Her dreams continue, back to when she was in college at the "University of I-da-ho." She's in a lecture hall with a history professor. The board displays a surprisingly accurate summation of the Jurassic period, which is in sharp contrast with the professor's dialog with the young Paylin. When he asks how old the Earth is, the other students foolishly guess "Four millions years." Only Paylin is intelligent enough to proclaim proudly, "Ten thousand years." She even answers in the form of a question.

Paylin is right in tune with the professor, in fact. When he moves on to discussing dinosaurs, she is the only one clever enough to reply correctly that "they never existed, and the fossils were placed here on Earth by Satan to trick mankind." Absolutely correct, and the end of the lesson.

Serra gets her reward, in which she is taught a "ritual to protect against witchcraft." I'll give you a hint: it involves "speaking in tongues" to Paylin's poonani.

Back in the modern day, though, she is giving a rousing speech.  She promises to create jobs to boost the economy, by boosting the economy (which, as she explains, will create jobs).  She gives the speech very well, considering how under the podium a blonde woman named Hillary is ministrating to her.

"I'm so tired of bi-partisanship," says Hillary.  "Why can't we just be bi?"

They go backstage.  But as they begin to get knocking on the couch behind the curtain, a curvaceous black woman bursts in on them.

"Condi!" stammers Paylin.  "I didn't even see you there."

"Shit, there goes 2012," groans Hillary.

But all is not lost.  Condi wants to make a trade.

"As soon as Bush is out of office, there's going to be a video of someone who looks a lot like me doing some things to some guys who look a lot like Cheney, Rove, Wolfowitz, and Chuck Norris.  So I would appreciate if you would tell the press to look the other way."

They seal the deal with some fun, and agree at the end to leave by separate doors.  Hillary insists on leaving first.

The end.  God bless America.

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