12 August 2012

Batman and Bane: Strategy Sessions

In this spoiler-filled post, you can witness some of the secret planning sessions that took place offscreen of The Dark Knight Rises.

The Plane Kidnapping
Bane details his plan to his top lieutenants in his army.  The enormous man's curiously elegant voice lays out how his needlessly intricate plan.

Bane: ...and then I will pump some of the scientist's blood into the dead man, and we will drop the plane and escape.  What do you think?
Minion:  Wait a second, I don't get it.  Why does one of us need to stay behind and die on the plane?  The CIA isn't going to be fooled by this crash... what are they gonna say?  "Okay so this plane's wings fell off, then it flew for another few minutes, then it fell in two neat sections"?
Bane:  Look at my mask.  I am in charge.  You are not.
Minion:  Also, what's the deal with the blood?  This body's going to be in a plane crash, why would they try to draw blood to match the DNA?  Wouldn't they take some skin, hair, or basically any other part of the body?
Bane:  If you do not be quiet I will show you my face and it will be gross.
Minion:  This all seems really unnecessary, too.  We're doing this just to find out how much the scientist told the CIA?  Why don't we just torture the scientist and make him tell us?  Do we really need this extremely risky- eww, okay okay, gross, put it back on.

The Stock Exchange Heist
After the surprising success of the scientist heist, Bane plans how to bankrupt Bruce Wayne with fraudulent stock trading.

Bane:  ...and then we will ride away on our motorcycles while the transfer completes.  Two of us will still have hostages.
Minion:  How will we get past the roadblocks and spike chains the cops will lay out ahead of us?  They're cops, they'll have radios.
Bane:  The cops will not do that.  They also will not shoot us in the face when we ride out of the exchange, because they will be so surprised.
Minion:  That seems unlikely.  And do we even need to do this?  You can make trades online now, why do we have to take over the building if we already have Wayne's passwords and things?  Even if we get this remote transfer to work, are you telling me they can't just stop it once we leave?
Bane:  I am not inviting you to these meetings again.
Minion:  Now tell me again why we have to shoot our guns randomly at the computers when we enter.  Won't that risk breaking the very things we're there to hack?

War
Batman speaks with Commissioner Gordon about the final fight, with the police against the armed mob.

Batman:  ...and then everyone march up in a big solid mass to attack the tanks.
Gordon:  They will have three tanks and automatic rifles.  We have a few handguns.  Won't they just mow us down?
Batman:  I will swoop down and destroy one of the tanks.
Gordon:  That still leaves two tanks and an army of trained mercenaries and murderers with assault rifles.  We'll be slaughtered like sheep.
Batman:  This will be so surprising that they will run at your guys and try to club them with their guns.
Gordon:  You have a big gun on your plane, why don't you just shoot twice more and destroy their army of mercenaries?
Batman:  I don't use guns and I don't kill.
Gordon:  You have like twenty guns on your Batpod and you shoot things all the time, and you've probably hurt a bunch of people when you blow up cars to make a path with your cannons.
Batman:  My parents are dead.

Rematch
Batman and Alfred strategize on how he will fight Bane the second time, after the previous fight's humiliating defeat.

Batman:  ...and after we have blocked the transmission to the bomb, I will beat up Bane.
Alfred:  How?
Batman:  I will hit him.  Really hard.
Alfred:  But you recently had your back broken, and he didn't have any trouble beating you the first time.
Batman:  This time I will hit him in the face to break his mask.
Alfred:  You didn't hit him in the face last time?
Batman:  I will hit him in the face just, like, completely super-hard this time.  I will punch his mask until it breaks, and then I will be the winner.
Alfred:  If you won't shoot him to break his mask, then maybe you can use a batarang or even just a lead pipe, instead of your fist?
Batman:  I am the bat.

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